Drawers Anonymous

Tiny Update

2011-05-09T09:44:00.003-04:00

I haven't updated in a long time, and I just wanted to say Thank you to anyone who has left a kind supporting comment, or bothered to visit my blog, or bought some pens to lighten my inventory. I feel like I've regressed in art and am slowly moving back in the right direction. I plan to keep moving on the path towards becoming the artist I want to be, and hopefully sometime in the near future I will have a legit website/blog that I'll post more art on.

-M

SKB Pen Sale and A doodle.

2010-09-10T18:45:00.004-04:00

I would rather be known as an artist than a seller of pens. It all started back when I was looking for this elusive art tool, which I had seen at the back page of James Jean's first Process Recess book, and in order to obtain it I had to purchase a big quantity. It was nice though, to acquaint and discover other artists by selling the excess.

But somewhere along the way, idolatry consumed my sense of self. I think Shawn Barber said it best:

You are never going to be an 'original' if you emulate one person's 'art'. You are just being lazy and inconsiderate; and you might just be trying to get rich quick or be part of the 'cool kids club'. If you can't respect yourself, why would anyone else?

So, to alleviate my status as a pen seller, you can purchase any box at $3 off original prices here: skbpens.bigcartel.com. As my inventory dwindles, I plan to spend more time doing art than trying to hawk other wares or ride on coattails.

I still very much admire Mr. Jean, but I realize that the extent of my admiration can be poisonous at times. I'm not sure yet if I'm cut out to be an artist, but some part of me refuses to simply give up.

The doodle is just there so that this post is not completely art-less. Although I admit not having touched a wacom in 4 or 5 years is really no excuse for poor outcome.

-M

SKB PEN SALE and I'm STILL ALIVE

2010-08-10T19:45:00.006-04:00

Hello, I apologize to any acquaintances who may have frequented to this blog to find no updates, as I myself have not frequented here for many months.

As a convenience for those who come here looking for the SKB SB-1000 Ballpoint pens, I have set up a little webstore for your convenience at SKBPENS.BIGCARTEL.COM. I'm currently holding a sale on the most popular item, a box of 0.5mm Black, for $10 a box.

As to what I've been up to, in my head I haven't given up dreams of being an artist/illustrator, but sadly to say, I haven't been very proactive about it.

I've been practicing some calligraphy, due to a recent obsession with typography and hand lettered goodness by the likes of Jessica Hische (Super talented designer and illustrator).

That's me. I actually googled myself the other day and for whatever reason, was secretly proud that nearly none of the results actually pointed to me. The only one that really did is my Twitter in which I occasionally vent in 140 characters or less.

A few self portraits from the last two or three months. That last one pretty much summed up my feelings. In case it's not evident, I messed up the mouth and just poured ink on it out of frustration.

And lastly some odd characters from the current sketchbook. I got this one from Barnes and Noble's. The slight woven texture to the paper has an interesting effect with pen or pencil, but it hates nibs.

So my current plans are: draw more, create self fulfilling work, be original, turn my room into a sanctuary/studio, and eventually become productive enough that I hope to turn up google.

SKB SB-1000 PENS still for sale

2010-02-04T23:11:00.009-05:00

5-9-11 Update: Please visit SKBPENS.BIGCARTEL.COM to purchase remaining sale inventory.

Irwin Greenberg's Artist Survival Kit

2010-01-28T20:25:00.004-05:00

I've still stagnated and halted these past few months but I've never given up. I think sometimes an artist's spirit is trampled by expectations and comparisons and doubts. But if it is strong and true, it won't burn out.

A co-worker of mine gave me this handout that I found rather inspirational - a "Survival Kit" of aphorisms by realist painter Irwin Greenberg.

Like a lot of realist painters, I started teaching as a way to stabilize my income. I was amazed to discover that it would be one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Somehow everything I had learned in my life found a place in the studio classroom. In addition, teaching forced me to objectify my thoughts and make them comprehensible to my students. But the greatest reward by far was getting to know that special kind of person, the art student. Their hunger to learn, and commitment to what Henri called the art spirit, has been a never-ending inspiration to me. I'm sure I got the larger share in the exchange.

The list that follows was an effort to crystallize some of the things I've learned in over thirty years of teaching. It makes up a kind of horse wisdom about painting, practical advice rather than fancy aesthetics. This "survival kit" has proved useful to generations of young painters as well as its author. There is an awful lot of blather about art, not at all helpful to students. I hope these aphorisms are something of an antidote.

Several people have felt confused by number ten. By "drink a glass of water" I mean, "avoid running to the refrigerator every hour or so." As I reread the list, I remembered the source of many of the ideas. So, here's a "thank you" to Ben Franklin, Frederick Douglass, Robert Henri, Howard Pyle, Abraham Ginsburg, Ernest Hemingway, and Alexander Solzhenitsyn."

-Irwin Greenberg

1. Paint every day.
2. Paint until you feel physical strain- take a break and then paint some more.
3. Suggest.
4. When at an impasse, look at the work of masters.
5. Buy the best materials you can afford.
6. Let your enthusiasm show.
7. Find the way to support yourself.
8. Be your own toughest critic and best supporter.
9. Develop a sense of humor about yourself.
10. Develop the habit of work. Start early every day. When you take a break, don’t eat. Instead, drink a glass of water.
11. Don’t settle for yourself at your mediocre level.
12. Don’t allow yourself to be crushed by failure. Rembrandt had failures. Success grows from failure.
13. Be a brother (or sister) to all struggling artists.
14. Keep it simple.
15. Know your art equipment and take care of it.
16. Have a set of materials ready wherever you go.
17. Always be on time for work, for class, for an appointment.
18. Meet deadlines. Be better than your word.
19. Find a mate who is really a mate.
20. Don’t be envious of anyone who is more talented than you. Be the best you can.
21. Prizes are nice, but the real competition is with yesterday's performance.
22. Give yourself room to fail and then fight like hell to achieve.
23. Go to sleep thinking about what you’re going to do first thing tomorrow.
24. Analyze the work of great painters. Study how they emphasize and subordinate.
25. Find out the fewest material things you need to live.
26. Remember: Michelangelo was once a helpless baby. Great works are the result of heroic struggle.
27. There are no worthwhile tricks in art: find the answer.
28. Throw yourself into each painting heart and soul.
29. Commit yourself to a life in art.
30. No struggle, no progress.
31. Do rather than don’t.
32. Don’t say “I haven’t the time.” You have as much time everyday as the great masters.
33. Read. Be conversant with the great ideas.
34. No matter what you do for a living, nurture your art.
35. Ask. Be hungry to learn.
36. You are always the student in a one-person art school. You are also the teacher of that class.
37. Find the artists who are on your wavelength and constantly increase that list.
38. Take pride in your work.
39. Take pride in yourself.
40. No one is a better authority on your feelings than you are.
41. When painting, always keep in mind what your picture is about.
42. Be organized.
43. When you’re in trouble, study the lives of those who’ve done great things.
44. “Poor me” is no help at all.
45. Look for what you can learn from the great painters, not what’s wrong with them.
46. Look, really look.
47. Overcome errors in observing by exaggerating the opposite.
48. Critics are painters who flunked out.
49. Stay away from put-down artists.
50. If you’re at a lost for what to do next, do a self-portrait.
51. Never say “I can’t.” It closes the door to potential development.
52. Be ingenious. Howard Pyle got his start in illustrating by illustrating his own stories.
53. All doors open to a hard enough push.
54. If art is hard, it’s because you’re struggling to go beyond what you know you can do.
55. Draw everywhere and all the time. An artist is a sketchbook with a person attached.
56. There is art in any endeavor done as well as it can be done: shoemaking, cooking, painting.
57. If you’ve been able to put a personal response into your work, others will feel it and they will be your audience.
58. Money is OK, but it isn’t what life is about.
59. Spend less than you earn.
60. Be modest; be self-critical, but aim for the highest.
61. Don’t hoard your knowledge, share it.
62. Try things against your grain to find out just what your grain really is.
63. Inspiration doesn’t come when you are idle. It comes when you have steeped yourself in work.
64. Habit is more powerful than will. If you get in the habit of painting every day, nothing will keep you from painting.
65. There are three ways to learn art: Study life, people and nature. Study the great painters. Paint.
66. Remember, Rembrandt wasn’t perfect. He had to fight against mediocrity.
67. Don’t call yourself an artist. Let others name you that. “Artist” is a title of great weight.
68. Be humble; learn from everybody.
69. Paintings that you work hardest at are the ones you learn the most from, and are often your favorites.
70. Read values relatively. Find the lightest light and compare all other light values to it. Do the same with the darks.
71. Grit and guts are the magic ingredients to your success.
72. Let your picture welcome the viewer.
73. Add new painters to your list of favorites all the time.
74. Study especially those artists who are dealing with the same problems that you’re trying to solve.
75. Have a positive mind-set when showing your work to galleries.
76. Don’t look for gimmicks to give your work style. You might be stuck with them for life. Or, worse yet, you might have to change your “style” every few years.
77. If what you have to say is from your deepest feelings, you’ll find an audience that responds.
78. Try to end a day’s work on a picture knowing how to proceed the next day.
79. Don’t envy others success. Be generous-spirited and congratulate whole-heartedly.
80. Your own standards have to be higher and more scrupulous than those of critics.
81. Pyle said, “Throw your heart into a picture and jump in after it.”
82. Vermeer found a life’s work in the corner of a room.
83. Rembrandt is always clear about what is most important in a picture.
84. If, after study, the work of an artist remains obscure, the fault may not be yours.
85. Critics don’t matter. Who cares about Michelangelo’s or Rembrandt's critics?
86. Structure your day so you have time for painting, reading, exercising and resting.
87. Aim high, beyond your capacity.
88. Try not to finish too fast.
89. Take the theory of the “last inch” holds that as you approach the end of a painting, you must gather all your resources for the finish.
90. Build your painting solidly, working from big planes to small.
91. See the planes of light as shapes, the planes of shadows as shapes. Squint your eyes and find the big, fluent shapes.
92. Notice how, in a portrait, Rembrandt reduces the modeling of clothes to the essentials, emphasizing the head and the hands.
93. For all his artistic skills, what’s most important about Rembrandt is his deep compassion.
94. To emphasize something means that the other parts of a picture must be muted.
95. When painting outdoors, sit on your hands and look before starting.
96. Composing a picture, do many thumbnails, rejecting the obvious ones.
97. Study how Rembrandt creates flow of tone.
98. If you teach, teach the individual. Find out when he or she is having trouble and help at that point.
99. Painting is a practical art, using real materials -- paints, brushes, canvas, paper. Part of the practicality of it is earning a living in art.
100. So - most painters I know teach, do illustrations or other work in an art-related field. Don't be an art snob-survival is the game.

Stayin' Alive

2009-11-19T21:17:00.005-05:00

I kind of know what I have to do, but doing and knowing are two different things. But at least knowing is the first step.

Here are some drawinges:

I haven't been drawing as much lately. I think it has been less enjoyable because I know I'm not moving forward. Need to beef up the game.

P.S. People who want to buy SKB SB-1000 Ballpoint pens, I got 'em in stock again. Send an email to cheesecakepie@gmail.com for details.

Update

2009-10-17T11:03:00.001-04:00

Couple of recent sketches.

Sketchdump

2009-09-22T21:13:00.004-04:00

I am still drawing. Sporadically, but I haven't abandoned it. What a fool I've been - for months questioning my motivations (or lack thereof) about art. Filled with doubt and fear of whether it is something worth pursuing, whether I can make something of myself. What had it become about? Was it about seeking approval or popularity? Was it about emulation of idols? Was it about money, or wanting to be different? Was it a revenge fantasy?

But I remember now. It's because ever since I was little and holding a crayon and drawing on walls, nothing else has ever felt more right. It's because drawing has been a faithful companion even when I've neglected it.

New Sketchbook

2009-08-03T22:19:00.003-04:00

I seem to have proportionally as many good drawing days as I have good hair days.
Which is not very many.

Here's a new sketchbook I bound - 400 pages of offwhite textured 80 lb stock, a behemoth of a sketchbook, but I think I'm going to make my next one thinner but larger in page size.

As well as some drawings that mark an inauspicious beginning.

SKB pens for sale and so forth

2009-05-28T11:31:00.006-04:00

So I'm sure some of you have heard of the James Jean pen, the SKB SB-1000 0.5mm black ballpoint pen. If you would like to get your hands on the pen, please send an email to cheesecakepie@gmail.com

No, the pen does not give you magic drawing ability, but I like that it doesn't skip, can vary in tone the way a pencil does, and has a nice tone of black. It also comes in red, blue, green and purple, and 0.7mm black.

And finally a few sketches. I haven't been drawing as much as I should. I drew this doll like girl on the ride home yesterday, with her disproportionately large but lovely head. And I drew a tree trunk during a lunch break the other day, which made me feel really calm.

When it is June, I intend to wake up.

Masks

2009-05-07T23:15:00.003-04:00

This is a personal piece on the subject of identity and persona. I'm going to use it for the cover of this book of advice I've been writing to myself. The draftsmanship needs work, but I'm looking forward to creating more work. It's been a while since I graduated from school and it's time to take art seriously again.

With the aid of my sister's airbook with photobooth, I drew some misshapen self portraits.

Some subway stuff. Haven't been drawing very much lately. Probably will not be able to do Sketchbook month. I need to find the joy in drawing again.

I need to stop caring what people think. Or should I? I really don't know the answer to that one.

I do not give up.

2009-04-18T14:26:00.003-04:00

I went to the draw-a-thon. Sometimes it's easy to forget why you do things in the first place. But drawing is a good companion and I remember that now.

Keeping Chin Up

2009-02-16T21:19:00.003-05:00

So this is the first month in years that I've gone a day or two without drawing. It became obvious that what I had been doing was no longer having any affect on my improvement and therefore became less enjoyable.

I figure it's like an RPG Game: It's very easy to level up at first, but when you hit around level 50, suddenly it seems like you need 154309343 points to get to the next level. And you stay around hitting slimes and turnip plants, well, it's not going to get you very far.

Life is exactly like an RPG game. Just less exciting, and also, you only die once.

Also, I'm on a tentative tv and internet ban. That means that I will watch no tv and will only use the internet to check out some art blogs and my mail. Mostly I go on these bans because I have no sense of self control: I can surf all 564 pages of a thread if nothing really stops me, and I'll watch "24" episodes back to back for
72 hours straight. I don't know if it's that I like being THOROUGH or I just don't know how to impose limitations on myself. Probably both.

The Kindling Show

2009-01-11T09:49:00.005-05:00

Found this photo on Irene Gallo's flickr. That's me standing behind James Jean, looking kind of how I always look - timid, slightly sad, nervous, shoulders hunched. Though especially so last night. More than ever, seeing all the incredible work and the clear success - I felt even more just like a tiny ant in the shadows of giants. And I had somewhat already known that by standing in the shadows of others, I'm not allowing myself to grow. Out of fear. And all I can do is admire from a vertical distance, instead of trying to become something myself.

Hopefully though, this is the year of change.

1/16/09 - R.I.P Andrew Wyeth

Chugging along

2008-12-18T23:37:00.004-05:00

I don't have much of an update as I haven't been doing much of late and the stuff I am doing, I'm not fond of.

And also I made a vow not to self-deprecate in public but it seems like I use it as an excuse - I feel better if I put myself down first before anyone else may have the chance. Then it's more like, "well, I told you so," instead of Nelson from the Simpsons going, "Haw-haw."

But that's just my fragile ego talking. I want to believe that I can do this. But damn, it's hard.

El Subway

Doodle after Ingres drawing

A doodle I did a while ago at work. Taped it onto my sketchbook.

I try to believe that endeavors in art is not just a bunch of ego-stroking or wanting applause. I don't know why but I ask myself WHY do I want to do this? And I want to do it for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. The reasons may be selfish but heck, if it's this difficult and frustrating and misery-inducing, then why shouldn't it be? Or am I looking at it from the wrong end? I should be enjoying making art but after page after page of awful drawings lately....

I feel so confused and lost.
But I cannot give up.

In brighter news, I am finally done (just one more page left) with this sketchbook of ugly paper I started some two and half months ago to punish myself. It pretty much rejects all media and pen barely shows on the dark surface. I had to lighten these pictures quite a bit just so it'd show. But it's appropriate - my sketchbooks often reflect mood. And I've been in so ugly a mood lately.

Hope to cheer up soon, stop whining, and do more work.

Sketch Interlude:

2008-11-13T14:27:00.003-05:00

Amid all the moping, I do a little bit of drawing.

I hope to do less moping and more drawing.

"The things you own end up owning you." - Tyler Durden

I still struggle trying to find something that is truly mine. I figure, anything that can be taken away is not something you really possess.

Art Discussion

2008-10-30T15:37:00.002-04:00

Hello, I'd like to invite anyone to post some thoughts about trying to be an artist or illustrator. I've been thinking about it quite a lot lately. I think there are a lot of people in my very same situation - perhaps trying to better their skills, or build a portfolio, or having to work regular jobs while hoping to somehow verge on the path of being able to do what we like for a living.

I have been doing a lot of thinking but not a lot of action - which might be the problem.

I also question how to deal with rejection and how you evaluate your own worth. According to advice I've read and have been given, rejection is inevitable. But I start to wonder, what if you are rejected again and again? Isn't that a sign of something? Perhaps you are doing something wrong, or you are merely not good enough?

Or maybe trying to be the artist that you want to be and being able to sell yourself are two different things?

I don't know much, only that I aspire to be as great as the artists I admire, to have the skill to express what I want to express properly, and not be dirt-poor, and be able to draw and paint all the time.

The depressed sketchbook

2008-10-24T19:32:00.003-04:00

So you know how when you're not feeling so great, you dress in sweatpants and huge sweaters? Well... I do, anyway. Actually I used to just dress like a bum all the time until I conformed.

Anyway, for me, it is the same with sketchbooks. I purposely chose a sketchbook that I loathed to draw in because I have not been in high spirits lately. It's getting to the point I actually go a whole day without drawing and I don't even notice until it's time to sleep.

The likeness is pretty off but I thought I MUST do something before the day is over, so I pulled out some old gouache set and a bottle of craft acrylic in which the contents have separated.

And then the standard subway sketches. The paper is dark and hard to draw on.

Ok, and for the people I am always telling that I am "cleaning" my house, here is a horrid peek at why:

My father and I are both hoarders. He collects all manners of useless trinkets, such as ugly glass animals, extra bicycle wheels, broken luggage, random prints, furniture, fake flowers, newspapers, empty cans, giftwrapping paper dowels, etc.

My junk you can see spread all over the sofa - that is my habit of collecting printed material, specifically images. In the cardboard boxes is some more. This pile here is actually what I intended to KEEP after sifting through about 20 times as much of paper - but I don't think I'll have room for it. And I have probably ... like 6 more milk-carton's worth of papers to go through. It's actually a GREAT improvement upon what I had. Slowly I am letting go.

Compulsive hoarding is no joke. It's a real problem that afflicts many people, and it induces a lot of stress, shame, and time-wasting. I'm trying to fix it...but it's damn hard. It is both painful to keep stuff and painful to throw it away.

September

2008-09-17T20:42:00.003-04:00

Here's some pages from the current sketchbook. I don't do much else because I feel I don't have the skills or right frame of mind for it right now... but hopefully as I get life straightened out I can start doing more things. I always sketchbook though, as it keeps me very good company, and keeps me sane in this very illogical society.

I'm also trying to become a less material person, Story of Stuff is an excellent 20 minute flash movie on the subject. Although I have to say artbooks are a guilty pleasure. You can never have too many artbooks, except when you no longer have space to sleep.

Victory shall be mine!

2008-08-03T20:23:00.000-04:00

I failed May's sketchbook month, but for July I am doing quite well, for I have only one page left after 23 days in a moleskine. I'm trying to keep a more positive attitude and to keep drawing. At work I keep making plans in my head of how I'm going to organize my life and find more time to do artwork.

I also bought 2 little mini sketchbooks, which hopefully I will actually use.

I'm a zombie!

2008-07-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

How appropriate! I feel nearly dead inside!
I'm drawing in one of those popular moleskines.
This blog is awfully mopey for one that's so cheery and orange.

still here.

2008-06-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

I've discovered one of my hangups about creating illustrations is the refusal to use reference. I'd like to get to the point that I wouldn't have to rely on any, but then I realized, a lot of illustrators use reference. I watched a painting demo by Jon Foster; he had reference for the overall lighting and pose but wasn't a slave to the reference. I've seen an Ashley Wood painting in which the pose was referenced from a photo of Kate Moss. P.J. Lynch has a step by step that shows the reference photos/model shoots he used to create the painting. Alphonse Mucha used photo reference. So did Maxfield Parrish. So did Jessie Wilcox Smith. All of John Singer Sargent's paintings and drawings are modelled from life. Ingres supposedly used a camera lucida device.

Yet often when I look at other's work, I imagine it to be done effortlessly, without reference. I suppose that's the magic- they make it look like it took very little work, but it didn't. Of course there are artists like Peter de Seve, who standing in front of you, effortlessly scribbles out an amazing drawing with the same effort someone else would use to take a nap. But he's probably drawn something similar to it before--- and all the effort lies in years of drawing, are unseen at the moment.

Today I cleared out the closet and numbered all my sketchbooks. No. 24, I am drawing in. That's an average of six per year. I intend to be like Barron Storey and have hundreds of them. Although they're not very painterly or narrative at the moment.

I also have this lovely monstrosity:

I got some new pens that I like, and hopefully I won't be giving up on art any time too soon. Back to cleaning now...

June Already.

2008-06-06T22:39:00.000-04:00

So , besides the maddening spiral of depression, I've been trying to slowly relieve myself of compulsive hoarding/packrat tendencies. I cleared out a bunch of crappy art supplies (realizing no one would probably buy them), decided I would donate them, but then on second thought decided to use them first.

So on a spur, I did a fairly quick self portrait.

It was quite liberating in a way to work with crappy supplies. I didn't care what I was making, but just enjoying the process of trying to squeeze what I could out of crayola watercolors, bad acrylics, student grade bristle brushes and pastels. The end result didn't come out so great either, but man was it fun to get paint on my fingers again.

Recently I had even got tired of drawing. Not that I had become particularly good at it, but the monotony of drawing the same thing with the same pen everyday had lost its charm. It had become too "easy", comfortable in a way. Kind of like my day job. It didn't demand too much of me.

I also thought of giving up art, seriously considering it perhaps twice. I had become an insomniac, at times with a voracious appetite and sometimes none at all. All the little things I wanted to do well, all the things I wanted to become, seemed impossible. But giving up would essentially be a death sentence. So I'm trying.

I miss HK already.

2008-05-14T20:39:00.000-04:00

Back from a trip to HK.

A little taste of freedom from drudgery.

Gotta work on more things, and cheer up. Fear makes me latch onto things, an illusion of safety.

So much for the positivity.

2008-04-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

I just feel like jumping off a bridge. Really.

-M

... ...

2008-03-21T11:12:00.001-04:00

A pathetic joke, it seems. All I can see is how inferior I was and how inferior I still am. There's not a single thing I've done that I'm remotely proud of, aside from the fact that I really tried. I did. But perhaps not hard enough.

But it's true, right? Nothing great can be achieved without hard work. Pain, suffering, tears blood and sweat. I should have expected failure and rejection immediately. I have not earned success. I tended to half-ass everything I did because I was afraid, should I put 100% into it, and it's still a failure, then I'm doomed. The nice comments I get every now and then just serve to confuse me. It's ridiculous. I can't draw. I can't paint.

Do I have the potential though? I can't grasp it, how they do it. All the artists I've admired. How do they do it? It would be easy to just say, they have the talent. I don't seem to have the talent. That would be the lazy way out. But I can't do that. I can't just say, this is the card that fate dealt me, and wow, what a lousy hand. I have to make the most of what I've got.

Trying not to get depressed, really. But looking at my own work makes me want to pull out fistfuls of hair.

2008-03-09T22:51:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a little less despair today, a bit more hope. I shall continue on the journey.

I talked to some people, thought a lot, and I've figured that the person I really need acceptance from is myself.

2008-03-07T10:42:00.001-05:00

It all feels so hopeless.

For once, I genuinely feel like giving up. But there's nothing else to fall back on. There is nothing else that I want. If I will never be good enough, if I am destined for mediocrity, then there's no point in going on.

...

2008-02-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

Hello there, gentle viewers.

I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now. Also, the daily onslaught of having to interact with people has drained me.

I hate showing work to people because a) I am not proud of it, b) I am often ashamed of it, and lastly c) I have terribly low self-esteem, and am filled with a self-hatred so pure that any recognizable rejection from the outside world will only hasten my impending collapse.

Here is a deer being attacked by hounds, a statue from the met.

Here is G eating Ramen at Sapporo.

Here is some "blah blah blah", or daily train drawings.

I really liked drawing the man on the left; I had less than a minute but he was so distinct that a hasty scribble would do.

More Blah Blah Blah, done last night.

Ok, this is not my drawing, but it IS my cooking. I have become vegetarian recently for the last three weeks, and am quite disheartened to learn that tofu may in fact be satan. Yes, satan. Apparently, the soy industries, much like the tobacco industries, try to promote their products as being healthy, or at the very least, not poisonous to your health! But there are a lot of studies suggesting that tofu is not good for your brain.

Eureka

2008-01-06T19:39:00.000-05:00

As usual, it's a fresh new year, but I'm still trying to sort my life together.

Kind of like, say, you have some leftover rice, and you cook new rice, and dump in the old rice, everyday. It means that today, you could be eating grains of rice from 3 months ago.

I just want a clean room. A place to work. Some time to work. And the energy to try. I probably haven't suffered sufficiently in order to get better. I still draw about 1 sketchbook spread a day, which literally keeps me sane from the horrors of retail.

-M

...

2007-11-16T20:11:00.000-05:00

I want to get back into illustration work again. A very good illustrator told me I need some "chutzpah".

Hello...

2007-10-30T08:30:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a while, clearly...I doubt anyone visits here anyway...but in case they do, I might as well put something new up.

But truthfully, I have nothing to show anyway. It is page after page of the same old drivel. Over the accumulation of sketchbooks, I notice a gradual improvement. I want to make some exciting pictures, but I think I currently lack the skills and energy. I draw everyday because it comforts me, and because I think that every drawing might bring me closer to the artist I want to be.

It is like a pyramid with a million steps. It's hard, exhausting, and all you dream of is that pinnacle, the day you reach the last step. Midway, you can't really just give up. It is as many steps to go forward as to go backward. Only, to go forward, you have to fight gravity.

There are some that fight the good fight, some that give up at the very beginning, and some who drift on the same few steps, unwilling to move forward.

It's time to suffer.

This is the face of despair.

2007-09-23T13:18:00.000-04:00

I sometimes feel like giving up but a part of me won't allow it.

I met god.

2007-09-12T22:01:00.000-04:00

God touched my sketchbook. He even drew in my sketchbook.

Now I feel even lesser than usual.

I'm sad.

2007-08-22T18:49:00.000-04:00

Thinking about what I want to do and how it is I'm going to get there.

I had been so focused on trying to be a GOOD artist for so long that I never considered what I would do if I ever GOT there.

Then starting to think that if I don't know what I want to do, I'll never be a good artist.

2007-08-10T11:55:00.000-04:00

On Sunday I didn't do much but I did sit by my window for an hour and did this. I just bought Paul Madonna's All Over Coffee and the intricate detail of architecture is just crazy. I then read somewhere that he might take 6 hours to draw from life and another 10-20 painting in the studio. If I can get a good rooftop view I would love to try to spend the day drawing the view. It might make my head explode though.

Also made a new sketchbook.

2007-08-01T21:33:00.000-04:00

Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy I can't draw Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy Unworthy

2007-07-18T23:18:00.000-04:00

This woman was sitting right in front of me. Inches away. I did the drawing on the right first, and it's very nervous and abrupt because I don't like drawing people when they're aware of me. Later, she drifted off into sleep and I did another version on the left.

Reading man

2007-07-04T13:37:00.000-04:00

I should really be drawing and painting more. And looking at more art history. And maybe try to work on a portfolio. And clean my room (which is currently in progress.) I think this might be my favorite drawing so far in the current sketchbook, mostly because this is the type of person I like to draw. A stranger that seems vaguely familiar, real yet with a hint of caricature.

2007-06-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

Today it was probably close to 100 degrees, and I melted at home.

Then later I went on the subway to draw, but it turned out very badly, partly because people kept staring at me and people kept moving.

I drew this baby the day before, and added some halftones/texture in photoshop. For some reason I've convinced myself that photoshop is the devil, but perhaps there's a happy marriage between digital and traditional. There are just some things a computer can do that you can't by hand, and vice versa.

2007-06-25T22:51:00.001-04:00

I got on the subway and this reminded me of those medieval madonna statues. I feel disillusioned lately.

2007-06-20T22:48:00.000-04:00

This is something old I did for class. It wasn't composed very well, as it was an assignment for a double page spread, and the other side is rather empty and dead space. I suppose I figured to leave space for hypothetical type, but I accidentally opened up this file today and thought that it looked much better to crop that part out. The hands are a bit half assed.

With every assignment I try to use the medium in a slightly different way, hoping by blind luck to stumble upon an approach that works. For this one I painted in black and white, hoping to combine natural texture of paint and the quick colors of photoshop.

I want to learn. Now that there's no more school, you can only school yourself, which I should have been doing all along.

2007-06-15T23:06:00.000-04:00

Self doubt is a plague.

I still hesitate to show work to people, I guess because I already know that I'm not quite "there" yet. I keep thinking I'm not ready I'm not ready I'm not ready. But at this rate, I'll never be ready, if I can't toughen myself up.

But art is a very personal thing, sometimes it's not even separate from yourself, so when people judge your artwork, it's like you, as a person, are being judged. And any kind of scrutiny makes me very nervous. I prefer the shadows, the backstage.

Very soon I would like to work up the courage to post some work, and make more work, and really enjoy the worryless process of creating, because you can't enjoy if you're worrying. I'm always worrying how something will turn out, probably because I am expecting too much of myself (whoever became great without a lot of time, effort, and failures?) . But still, greatness is a rare thing, and I wonder if it can be achieved at all.

2007-06-06T15:01:00.000-04:00

Today I drew a hand on my hand.
Now I shall go out and draw for real.

2007-05-30T15:21:00.000-04:00

At first, I started drawing just to relax. Then I started drawing all the time. I drew in the morning, I drew during dinner. My family would become embarassed as I began slurring my words and becoming unresponsive because I was drawing. They sent me straight away to a Drawer's Anonymous meeting.

At my first meeting, I introduced myself. I tried to hide a sketchbook in a brown paper bag but they took it away from me. I could see the others, too, trying to sneak in a gesture or two while pretending to take notes. Eventually all our pens were taken away, and some of the members with long-standing abuse with drawing began drawing with their eyes. They would follow the lines and shapes until some facilitators had to snap, "stop observing!"

Now I can see that I really had a problem. I have stopped drawing but I am afraid I might have a relapse at any moment.

2007-05-29T10:41:00.000-04:00

The future seems really bleak.

Either get a staff job where you won't be well-compensated for the amount of work you'd be doing, work you don't even care about,

OR

Try to become good enough so that you can get freelance work, but consistently, so that you're not worrying about dinner.

A short perusal at craigslist seems to have the following conclusion: most people are looking for graphic designers, and for "outgoing, people person"s. Even those who are in fact looking for illustrators, seem to think $40 is a justifiable price to draw their "awesome comic book character".

Perhaps I should just be a garbageman. I hear they have nice salaries.